Craig's Shocktober Horror Marathon 2013 - Day 5: Event Horizon (1997)

In the not too distant future, next Sunday AD, Earth launches a ship called Event Horizon to test out a new engine that could revolutionize space travel. However, it disappears and is considered lost for seven years... until it suddenly returns. A rescue mission is launched in a ship named The Lewis and Clark (worst ship name ever), headed up by Captain Miller (Lawrence Fishburn) and a scientist named Dr. Weir (Sam Neill), who designed the Event Horizon. When they find the ship, they quickly discover that the crew came to a mysterious and grisly end. It seems that the ship has been through Hell and back (literally) and will take the crew of the Lewis and Clarke with it if they are not careful.

When this movie came out, it got a lot of shit, and so I never bothered to watch it.  The director, Paul W.S. Anderson, the talentless bizarro version acclaimed director Paul Anderson (director of Magnolia, who usually goes by Paul Thomas Anderson, presumably not to be confused with his shitty counterpart) went on to direct the god-awful Resident Evil movies, which pretty much sealed the fate of me ever watching Event Horizon... until now.  Goddamn you, Netflix, for bringing this up in the horror category!

Truth be told, this movie isn't really that bad.  Sure, it has some laugh-out-loud moments that aren't supposed to be funny, like Sam Neill's scream of horror that sounds so forced it had to have been the first take... right?



There's also a moment when Sam Neill's character shows up with his eyes sewn shut.  When Captain Miller asks, "What the hell did you do to your eyes?"  Dr. Weir replies, "Eyes?  Where we're going, we don't need eyes."  It mirrors Doc Brown's "Roads?  Where we're going we don't need roads" line from Back to the Future so much it's absurd, and moments like that have a tendency to undermine the terror that is supposed to be happening onscreen.

Which is the crux of my problem with Paul W.S. Anderson - he knows how to make really cool music videos... until they become 90 minute movies.  I will say, though, that this movie is definitely an admirably original attempt at sci-fi horror.  The concept is cool, and there are genuinely tense scenes, but in the end it's just schlock... but at least it's entertaining schlock.  You could do a lot worse than Event Horizon... such as Resident Evil movies.  Or Mad Monster Party.

Craig's Shocktober Horror Marathon 2013 - Day 4: Evil Dead (2013)

    


 
So the plot of this movie is basically the same as the original - a group of teens go to a remote cabin the woods, discover the Book of the Dead, unwittingly read an incantation out loud that summons an evil demon that torments them all night.  The only difference is, whereas in the original they are at the cabin for shits and giggles, in this movie they are there to help a girl get off heroine.  I understand the logic of this, but I'm not so sure taking a heroine addict to an obvious murder cabin is the best way to help them with substance abuse.

This movie is surprisingly passable, and is perhaps the best horror movie I have watched so far in my marathon... which isn't saying much, but as opposed to the last few films, with this one I wasn't ever bored.  Oh, the movie is full of tired, ridiculous horror tropes, like characters making incredibly stupid choices, not to mention laughable moments like how viciously mauled the nerdy character gets before he finally expires (spoilers!).  Seriously, there are about four times in the movie when I thought that character was finally going to die, only for him to somehow keep living.

The camera angles are all done very well and certainly tip a hat to Sam Raimi's original film, without being too tediously reverential.  Also, a lot of the special effects were done really well, using CGI very sparingly, and deferring to real effects for most of the gore.

The only things that got on my nerves were that none of the characters were very interesting and not a single one, even the last survivor, held a candle to Bruce Campbell's character, Ash.  When this movie was being made, a lot of people speculated how an Evil Dead movie could even be considered without Bruce Campbell, as embodied the role of Ash like Harrison Ford embodies Indiana Jones - it was inconcievable to think of anyone replacing him.  The producers of the movie made a wise decision - don't even bother trying to replace him.  They just came up with a cast of all new characters, but the problem is they should have still found a leading man or woman with enough raw charisma to carry the movie with as much aplomb as Campbell.  Part of the appeal of all of the Evil Dead movies is watching this character deal with this constant madness, horror, and physical punishment, yet somehow find the ability to overcome it while spouting out cheesy one-liners like:  "Hey she-bitch - come get some." Without that character, well, it's just a bunch of generic teen characters drawn out of the same stock as any other movie getting picked off one-by-one.

 My only other issue is it felt like they tried to jam too much story into a pretty simple concept:  the Book of the Dead unleashes an invisible evil that terrorizes the people who summon it.  In the original movies, the solution came down to reading an incantation from the book to send the evil back whence it came... if the characters could survive that long.  In this, it didn't feel as simple - it seemed like they wanted to over explain it, and come up with a more drawn out, complicated solution, which nobody watches Evil Dead for.

Overall, though, it's a decent film that pays homage to the original, but I would heartily recommend just sticking to the originals and ignoring this one - especially if you haven't seen the original movies yet.  This movie gets 2 out of 4 chainsaws. 

Craig's Shocktober Horror Marathon 2013 - Day 3: Mad Monster Party? (1967)

Dr. Frankenstein is retiring and invites all of his ghoulish buddies, such as Dracula, the Mummy, the Werewolf, and the scariest monster of them all, Phyllis Diller (basically playing herself), over to his castle for a retirement party.  He also invites his only living heir, a Saved by the Bell level dweeb named Felix Flankin, to inherit his fortune, which includes a potion that can destroy anything it touches.  For whatever reason, he announces the existence of this potion to his monster friends, who immediately scheme to murder Felix and steal the potion for themselves.  Madcap "hilarity" ensues.

This movie was just wretched.  The musical segments were awful, and if they were cut out, would have shortened the movie to a more manageable hour.  The jokes were unbearably terrible, consisting mostly of lame puns or word play.  Example:

Yetch: It's me, your Don Juan.
Francesca: I Don Juan to look at you.

I found myself flabbergasted by the voice acting choices, such as the guy who voiced Felix.  He's obviously a younger man, but his voice sounds like Jimmy Stewart.  The Invisible Man mumbles like Hunter S. Thompson.  It's a mess.

Yes, I know, the movie is meant for children, but that's no excuse for it being terrible.  Pixar has proven, time and again, that movies meant for children can also be better than most movies meant for adults (look no further than Up).  The entire time I watched this I couldn't help but think of the Mr. Show sketch about whether or not monster parties actually exist.  Don't waste your time on this crappy movie - watch that sketch instead:

Craig's Shocktober Horror Marathon 2013 - Day 2: The Awakening (2011)

Florence Cathart, a professional skeptic who makes a career of debunking claims of the supernatural, is invited to a boarding school by a mysterious man named Robert (Dominic West from The Wire) to investigate rumors of a ghostly boy that is said to roam its halls.  While there, not only is her disbelief in ghosts challenged, but the foggy memory of her traumatic past. 

This movie started out with promise - I really dug the bait-and-switch in the opening scene with the seance, and was intrigued with the prospect of the ghost boy at the school.  However, the plot began to slow to a crawl, the characters showed no sign of becoming more interesting (or having a pulse), and the film descended into a schlocky, dull ghost movie.  The reveal about Florence's connection with the school was weak and there just weren't very many good scares, beyond the occasional appearance of the ghost.  All of those things, combined with the drab colors, made for a very boring film.

So 2 out of 4 ghost children!

Craig's Shocktober Horror Marathon 2013 - Day 1: The Possession (2012)

A recently divorced father (Jauvier Bardem) has his kids for the weekend at his new house and does what any dad would do after a divorce: let’s them buy anything they want, including a creepy Jewish demon box at a yard sale.  Of course, they don’t realize it harbors a demon until his youngest daughter opens the box and becomes possessed… and then creepy shit happens… the father catches on that all is night well and seeks professional help from a Rabbi (from Isreal no less - he’s not fucking around with American stock!).  Blah blah blah - this is basically a Jewish version of The Exorcist, but not as good.  This movie should have been locked in Jewish demon box and stowed away in that warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant was put away in Raiders.

I should end my review there, and really I could, but I got some things to get off my chest.  At the beginning of the movie, a caption comes up that says that the film is based off a “true story”. I am sooo goddamn sick of these possession movies using that lame ass gimmick to give the movie sort of fake legitimacy, and therefor make it scarier (because this could happen to yoooooooouuuuu! Mwuahahahahaha!). Even William Castle, who was famous for using crazy gimmicks to heighten the atmosphere of his horror films, such as offering free caskets to those who die of fright, would scoff and roll his eyes at this weak shit.

The worst part are the people who watch this and actually go home believing this crap. I was so frustrated with The Exorcism of Emily Rose because that film was about whether or not possession was real or if it is just a manifestation of a psychotic episode. The moral dilemma centers around whether or not Emily’s life could have been saved had her superstitious family given her into the care of medical science instead of a deluded priest. It’s an interesting angle on exorcism movies… until the film falls onto the side of “Yup, she was possessed - take THAT science!” Encouraging gullible people into believing that a sprinkling a few specks of holy water onto their child will cure a seizure is irresponsible. So change the wording a bit: “This movie is based on the testimony of a real person. It may or may not be true.”

Anyway, that aside, the movie was just boring, standard possession movie tropes with a Jewish dreidel spin (see what I did there?). Everybody whispers most of their lines, making it frustrating to hear dialogue. All the effects are very obviously computer generated, which takes me out of a movie pretty quickly. The story plods at a slow pace, forcing me to succumb to my iPhone’s “come hither” stare to play Clash of Clans rather than pay attention to the nothing happening on screen.

It’s a pretty disappointing start to my October horror film marathon, but what are you gonna do! Them’s the breaks when you let Netflix decide what to watch next!

This movie gets 2 out of 4 Jewish demon boxes.

Things You Should be Watching, but Probably Aren't: One Piece

The first time I came across this series, it was on a lazy Saturday morning when I was still in college. Out of sheer curiosity, and boredom, I tuned into the Saturday morning cartoons to scope out the kind of quality programming the kids were being fed nowadays. Just by chance, One Piece happened to be coming on. I was immediately repelled by it, as this was the time that the Saturday morning line-up was being inundated with kiddie anime like Yu-Gi-Oh, Cardcaptor Sakura, and Duel Masters (among others). They all struck me as rip-offs of Pokemon, and so I never bothered watching.

One Piece seemed like just another turd shipped over from Japan to feed to our young as mental breakfast. I hated the animation style, and the main character's Tom Sawyer-like appearance, combined with his bizarre stretchy power, made it difficult for my brain to process that early in the morning. Also, the voice acting, not to mention the hip-hop opening, was atrocious. With a curt, "Fuck this", I changed the channel to a rerun of Beakman's World and never looked back...

...until a friend highly recommended I give it another shot. This was a couple years later, while I was working my first ever office job. At the time, I was already immersed in other Shonen Jump inspired anime, such as Bleach and Naruto. I'd watch them while at work, as I had way too much free time for such things. When my friend told me to give One Piece another shot, I figured I had more than enough time, so why not? This time I'd be watching the real show, and not the piece of shit American version.

From the moment I heard the catchy, infectiously upbeat opening music, I was pretty well hooked...



The series, based on the Shonen Jump manga by Eiichiro Oda, is about the adventures of an aspiring Pirate King named Monkey D. Luffy. As a young boy, Luffy once looked up to an older man, and famous pirate, named "Red Hair" Shanks, who saved Luffy from drowning after he accidentally ate something called a "Devil Fruit". A Devil Fruit is a rare object that, once consumed, gives its user an unusual ability, which, in Luffy's case, is the ability to stretch out like rubber. The downside of Devil Fruit? If a Devil Fruit user happens to fall into seawater, they'll sink like a stone. Shanks loses his left arm while saving Luffy, but undeterred by the loss, leaves with his pirate crew, entrusting his straw hat with Luffy with the promise that some day, when they meet again on the high seas, Luffy can return it.

Aside from wanting to eventually reunite with Shanks, Luffy's main objective is to find a famous treasure called the One Piece, and became King of the Pirates. Along the way, he meets and recruits a colorful variety of crew members to help him in this quest. Here's a run down of each member:

"Straw Hat" Monkey D. Luffy - As mentioned before, Luffy is the main character, and Captain of the Straw Hat Pirates. Luffy is impulsive, loudmouthed, and not fairly bright. However, he compensates for this failings with a heart of gold and a tenacious spirit to overcome insurmountable odds. It also helps that he possesses the ability to stretch his body like rubber, granting him impressive fighting abilities.










"Pirate Hunter" Roronoa Zoro - Luffy's second-in-command, Zoro is a highly skilled swordsman, having mastered the "three kitana" style of sword fighting. Zoro travels the world in search of someone to test his skill, and gained notoriety for hunting pirates for their bounty. After Luffy saves his life, Zoro reluctantly agrees to travel with him, figuring he would continue to find ways to improve his swordsmanship along the way. Zoro is a very stoic individual, who spends most of his time either working out, or taking naps. Even though he is a fiercely strong warrior, he has an almost uncannily terrible sense of direction and, if left to explore on his own, often gets lost until the Straw Hat crew either find him or serendipitously run into him.







"Cat Burglar" Nami is the navigator and treasurer/expert thief for the Straw Hat crew. She is strong-willed, feisty, and can be overcome with greed on occasion, although never so much so that she is inconsiderate of her fellow crew-members' needs. Nami is not only a skilled thief, but a highly skilled navigator and cartographer. She joins the crew after Luffy helps liberate her home island from a vicious gang of fish men. Her goal is to eventually draw a map of the entire world.






"Sogeking" Usopp is the sniper for the Straw Hat crew. Usopp is a skilled marksman, a serviceable weapons developer, and a talented liar. He joins the Straw Hat crew to follow in his father's footsteps, who serves as a sniper for "Red Hair" Shanks' crew, and overcome his natural propensity for cowardice. Usopp later develops a masked alter ego, named "Sogeking" (which means "King of Snipers"), after he dramatically quits the Straw Hats over an argument with Luffy. He eventually discards the Sogeking persona and rejoins the crew as Usopp (the whole time Luffy and Chopper are the only ones unaware that Usopp and Sogeking were the same person). Usopp is armed with a slingshot and a variety of different bullets that have different effects.




"Black Leg" Sanji is the ship's cook and a formidable kick-boxer. He joins the crew with the hopes of discovering an area of the world called the "All Blue", where it is said some of the most delicious sea life in the world reside. Sanji tries to project a cool, charismatic image, but it is often shattered the moment he meets an attractive woman, causing him to lose his composure and become rather embarrassingly subservient. Sanji can be rather vain, especially when it comes to his appearance, and becomes incredibly depressed whenever the subject of his poorly drawn "wanted" poster is brought up.








"Cotten Candy Lover" Tony Tony Chopper is the ship's medic. Chopper is a reindeer who ate a Devil Fruit that granted him the ability to transform into a human/reindeer hybrid. Chopper also has the ability to transform into a variety of human/reindeer forms by using medicinal drugs called "Rumble Balls" (hehehehe). Each form has a special ability, but can be maintained only temporary and with the cost of extreme exhaustion to Chopper's stamina. He learned medicinal arts from a crackpot doctor who sheltered Chopper when he had no place else to go. Chopper is naive, childlike, and is prone to panic almost as much, if not more, than Usopp. For some reason, he can't understand the concept of hiding, and will often hide in plain sight, not knowing how exposed he is. His nickname comes from the only picture of him that exists, which is an unflattering photo of him eating cotton candy. Chopper gets about as depressed as Sanji when he realizes that his bounty is a puny 50 Beli.

"Devil Child" Nico Robin is an archeologist and historian, devoted to discovering the true origin of the world, even though her quest into such forbidden information makes her into the World Government's enemy. Robin's Devil Fruit gift is she can make various parts of her body sprout from any surface she can see, making her a fairly deadly foe. When Luffy and company first encounter her, she is working for a man named Crocodile, who is a vicious crime lord intent on taking over the Alabasta Kingdom. After he is defeated by Luffy, she decides to travel with Straw Hats, but only after she confronts her own tragic past with the World Government (which, as it turns out, is one of the most epic story arcs in the entire series). Robin is very calm and cunning individual, often spending her time nose deep in books. She doesn't really serve an official function on the ship, besides being a font of knowledge about the various places they travel too.


"Cyborg" Franky is an extremely gifted engineer and serves as Luffy's shipwright. He joins the crew when Luffy's first ship, The Going Merry, becomes far too damaged to continue traveling the sea. Franky builds an even bigger, better ship the Straw Hats, called The Thousand Sunny. Franky is a cyborg, having had to replace most of his body parts with machines after a tragic childhood accident. Franky's cyborg body, and most of the tech he develops, is powered by soda. Franky is a brash loudmouth, who likes to awkwardly pepper his sentences with the word "super", but he has a good heart.







"Dead Bones" Brook is the ship's musician and entertainer. Brook used to be a member of the Rumbar Pirate crew, but was the only one left alive after their encounter with Thriller Bark... although "alive" may be a relative term. Brook died as well, but was revived due to a Devil Fruit he had eaten while alive. His unusual power is life after death, although in the form of a skeleton. Despite his rather tragic past, and somewhat frightening appearance, Brook is very jovial and about as happy-go-lucky as Luffy, although this can be a source of annoyance to the Straw Hat crew as it is a source of entertainment. Brook has a tendency to constantly make reference to the fact that he is a skeleton with jokes like, "My heart is pumping so fast... although, being a skeleton, I have no heart!" He's a skilled fencer, though not as skilled with a sword as Zoro. He also has the ability play songs that have effects on people, such as putting them to sleep. Brook joins the crew after Luffy helps him reclaim his shadow from the evil shadow-stealing captain of Thriller Bark, Gecko Moria.


Phew! Finally finished listing the protagonists of the series! Now for the villains...

Just kidding. The reason I so exhaustively went over the main characters of the show is to detail the variety of colorful characters that travel with Luffy on his quest. Trust me when I say that, as strange as these characters may seem, they are nothing compared to some of the characters the Straw Hats encounter throughout the series.

The show presents us with a very odd, yet intricate fantasy world, where the possibilities of the kind of adventures awaiting Luffy seem endless. Whenever I start a new season, I cannot fathom what kind of story the series will present to me next. One Piece is, by far, the most imaginative television series, animated or otherwise, I have seen in a long, long while. The show has a tone that can only be described as "fearlessly joyful", but is capable of becoming dramatic and serious at the drop of a hat (or straw hat, as it were). Do not be fooled by the kiddy look of the show - shit gets real on a regular basis. People die in this show, although not in glorified, gory ways. My point is, unlike in most shows for children, this show has stakes, and does not attempt to soften it up for a kid's sensibilities. All the main characters have a fairly tragic past that motivates them, involving loved ones dying brutal, violent deaths. The show is also full of epic battles, with most seasons culminating with all the characters facing off against bad guys that test all of their limits. The way that each character overcomes the odds and emerges victorious is usually very cleverly thought out, and battles are paced in such a way that one can't help but clap in adulation when Luffy, or some other character, finally gets the upper hand. All the characters are just so goddamn likeable you want to see them win!

Just as much as the show is capable of compelling drama, it is also capable of truly hilarious comedy. I have found myself laughing until there were tears in my eyes at some of the shenanigans of the Straw Hats. All of the characters' personalities, with their various quirks, make for some really funny dynamics. Zoro and Sanji constantly bicker and compete with each other, sometimes even in the face of mortal danger. Just the concept of Luffy, an aspiring pirate captain with a childlike, somewhat stupid tendency for rushing headlong into dangerous situations, is a constant source of comedy itself.

The show has been ongoing for quite a long time, so newbies will have a fairly substantial amount of episodes to get through before they can even hope to catch up. In which case, I would recommend watching the show a little bit at a time - take it season by season; watch a season here, take a break, and then watch another season later. Each season usually consists of about 24-26 episodes, although season one is a hefty 60(!) episodes long. I would also INSIST on watching the original Japanese version with subtitles, as the English dub is truly shit. I'm not just saying this as a snotty, anime purist - I'd be the first to recommend an English dub if I thought it was any good. However, much of the charm of this show is lost in the English, kiddy version. The English version edits out a lot of the more violent, bloody scenes and even Sanji's trademark cigarette is replaced with a cinnamon stick. Lame. The voices don't match the characters at all either. Sanji's voice is some kind of Brooklyn brawler voice, which makes no sense whatsoever. Watch the Japanese version, or don't even bother - trust me.

If you're interested in checking out the series, nearly all of the episodes, both dubbed (ugh) and subtitled (yay!) are available on Hulu! You can also find every episode on a site called Watchop.com, although, annoyingly, the intros/outros of some of the episodes are edited out. There is always the option, of course, of watching it on DVD, although I imagine they are probably pretty pricey and hard to come by. At any rate, there are so many options for watching, you have no excuse NOT to check out this charming series!

The Simpsons - Ninth Season & Machete

The Simpsons - Ninth Season

Whenever I review a season of The Simpsons from its "golden era" (1990 - 2002 ...roughly), I feel the need to start out by stating the obvious: who needs this review? The Simpsons is one of the most brilliant comedies to ever be on television, and everybody knows it. So I won't waste your time by expounding at length as to what makes The Simpsons so great. Instead, I'll just cite some of my favorite episodes, and post hilarious clips (if I can find any) from them. Deal?

"The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson"

This has always been one of my favorites! This episode rarely plays on syndication, because of 9/11 - that's right, because the episode features the Twin Towers, they stopped airing it, which is absolutely retarded. Heaven forbid that we acknowledge that the Twin Towers actually existed at one point in time! Fuck political correctness.

"The Cartridge Family"

In this episode, Homer buys a gun, which not only puts his family's safety at risk, but endangers his marriage to Marge, who strongly disapproves of a gun in the house. This episode features one of my favorite Homer Simpson lines: "When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power - like God must feel when he's holding a gun!"

"Bart Carny"

Homer and Bart befriend two carnies, one of whom is voiced by the late Jim "Ernest" Varney. This episode is hilarious from end-to-end, but my favorite part is when Bart and Lisa go on a crappy haunted house carnival ride.

"The Joy of Sect"

Springfield falls prey to a creepy cult, named the Movementarians, headed by an enigmatic figure only known as "The Leader". It falls to Marge to find a way to break the cult's hold over the town, and her family.

"Simpson Tide"

Homer joins the Navy, and nearly causes a war when he mistakenly steers a submarine into Russian waters.

"The Trouble with Trillions"

After getting in trouble with the IRS, Homer acts as their patsy in a mission to recover a rare trillion dollar bill, stolen by none other than Mr. Burns. My favorite line is during the film reel that explains the creation of the trillion dollar bill as a means to aid Europe after World War II. In a speech, President Truman says: "This money is to help out our allies, who fought so poorly, and surrendered so readily."

"Trash of the Titans"

Homer runs the local sanitation commissioner, voiced by Steve Martin, out of office, and is voted in his place after making outrageous promises that he can't possibly keep.



"Lost Our Lisa"

Lisa sets off by herself on a trip to downtown Springfield to see a museum exhibit, only to get hopelessly lost. I included this episode if only for this line of Homer's when he gets stuck on a run-away cherry picker: "I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!"

Verdict: Fucking Awesome... duh




Machete (2010)

A former Federale, and all around badass, Machete (Danny Trejo), so named because of his preference for using blades to slice up his enemies, wants revenge after his family is butchered by a brutal drug lord named Rogelio Torrez, played by Steven Seagal. Robert Deniro also stars as a Texas State senator that hates Mexicans, and Jessica Alba put her acting skills to the test playing a smoking hot immigration cop.

Not many of you may know this, but this movie was inspired by a fake movie trailer Rodriguez created for Grindhouse a couple years ago:



The idea being that a couple of the fake movie trailers would be made into a second Grindhouse project. However, since Grindhouse didn't do very well in theaters, only Machete was actually made into a film, which is a shame, because as much as I loath Eli Roth, I would have loved to have seen Thanksgiving made into a real movie:



Actually, while searching for the trailer on Youtube, I discovered that Thanksgiving will be made into a movie. Neat!

Okay, so here's the deal with Machete: it's a fun movie. It's every bit as goofy, exciting, and campy as the Grindhouse movies, Planet Terror and Deathproof. There's a lot to like here: great action sequences, a cool 70s schlock atmosphere, and a half-naked Jessica Alba taking a shower. Which, by the way, I must point out that she utterly refused to bare any kind of nudity for Sin City, despite the fact that she signed on to play a fucking STRIPPER in the movie, yet she was willing to be semi-nude while playing an immigration officer? Proof positive that Jessica Alba is a dumb twat.

It's clear from beginning to end that the cast and crew had a lot of fun making this film. Even Robert Deniro looks like he's having a ball with this project. It was even great to see Steven Seagal in a real movie, although he doesn't have much screen time (probably for the best). However, I have only one problem with this movie: Danny Trejo. While the guy has always been awesome in a supporting role, or as a villain, he's pretty dull and wooden as the main protagonist. The movie tries its best to make him cool and interesting, but he just doesn't have the charisma to match the movie's hype. I got bored of the movie about halfway through because I just didn't care enough about Machete's character to maintain my interest. It sucks, but there it is.

The movie's climax was also so overwhelmingly over-the-top, it just totally lost me. I couldn't understand why Lindsey Lohan's character was suddenly wearing a nun outfit, and shooting people. I just didn't give a fuck about any of these people.

So, there it is. Machete is worth a look, but it hardly has the makings of a classic. I'm starting to think maybe Robert Rodriguez is becoming too much of a parody of himself to be taken seriously anymore, which is a shame because Desperado is, in my opinion, one of the best action movies ever made. As Machete went on, though, I began to wish I was watching Black Dynamite for the 20th time instead.

Verdict: Meh - S'alright