The Simpsons - Ninth Season & Machete

The Simpsons - Ninth Season

Whenever I review a season of The Simpsons from its "golden era" (1990 - 2002 ...roughly), I feel the need to start out by stating the obvious: who needs this review? The Simpsons is one of the most brilliant comedies to ever be on television, and everybody knows it. So I won't waste your time by expounding at length as to what makes The Simpsons so great. Instead, I'll just cite some of my favorite episodes, and post hilarious clips (if I can find any) from them. Deal?

"The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson"

This has always been one of my favorites! This episode rarely plays on syndication, because of 9/11 - that's right, because the episode features the Twin Towers, they stopped airing it, which is absolutely retarded. Heaven forbid that we acknowledge that the Twin Towers actually existed at one point in time! Fuck political correctness.

"The Cartridge Family"

In this episode, Homer buys a gun, which not only puts his family's safety at risk, but endangers his marriage to Marge, who strongly disapproves of a gun in the house. This episode features one of my favorite Homer Simpson lines: "When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power - like God must feel when he's holding a gun!"

"Bart Carny"

Homer and Bart befriend two carnies, one of whom is voiced by the late Jim "Ernest" Varney. This episode is hilarious from end-to-end, but my favorite part is when Bart and Lisa go on a crappy haunted house carnival ride.

"The Joy of Sect"

Springfield falls prey to a creepy cult, named the Movementarians, headed by an enigmatic figure only known as "The Leader". It falls to Marge to find a way to break the cult's hold over the town, and her family.

"Simpson Tide"

Homer joins the Navy, and nearly causes a war when he mistakenly steers a submarine into Russian waters.

"The Trouble with Trillions"

After getting in trouble with the IRS, Homer acts as their patsy in a mission to recover a rare trillion dollar bill, stolen by none other than Mr. Burns. My favorite line is during the film reel that explains the creation of the trillion dollar bill as a means to aid Europe after World War II. In a speech, President Truman says: "This money is to help out our allies, who fought so poorly, and surrendered so readily."

"Trash of the Titans"

Homer runs the local sanitation commissioner, voiced by Steve Martin, out of office, and is voted in his place after making outrageous promises that he can't possibly keep.



"Lost Our Lisa"

Lisa sets off by herself on a trip to downtown Springfield to see a museum exhibit, only to get hopelessly lost. I included this episode if only for this line of Homer's when he gets stuck on a run-away cherry picker: "I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!"

Verdict: Fucking Awesome... duh




Machete (2010)

A former Federale, and all around badass, Machete (Danny Trejo), so named because of his preference for using blades to slice up his enemies, wants revenge after his family is butchered by a brutal drug lord named Rogelio Torrez, played by Steven Seagal. Robert Deniro also stars as a Texas State senator that hates Mexicans, and Jessica Alba put her acting skills to the test playing a smoking hot immigration cop.

Not many of you may know this, but this movie was inspired by a fake movie trailer Rodriguez created for Grindhouse a couple years ago:



The idea being that a couple of the fake movie trailers would be made into a second Grindhouse project. However, since Grindhouse didn't do very well in theaters, only Machete was actually made into a film, which is a shame, because as much as I loath Eli Roth, I would have loved to have seen Thanksgiving made into a real movie:



Actually, while searching for the trailer on Youtube, I discovered that Thanksgiving will be made into a movie. Neat!

Okay, so here's the deal with Machete: it's a fun movie. It's every bit as goofy, exciting, and campy as the Grindhouse movies, Planet Terror and Deathproof. There's a lot to like here: great action sequences, a cool 70s schlock atmosphere, and a half-naked Jessica Alba taking a shower. Which, by the way, I must point out that she utterly refused to bare any kind of nudity for Sin City, despite the fact that she signed on to play a fucking STRIPPER in the movie, yet she was willing to be semi-nude while playing an immigration officer? Proof positive that Jessica Alba is a dumb twat.

It's clear from beginning to end that the cast and crew had a lot of fun making this film. Even Robert Deniro looks like he's having a ball with this project. It was even great to see Steven Seagal in a real movie, although he doesn't have much screen time (probably for the best). However, I have only one problem with this movie: Danny Trejo. While the guy has always been awesome in a supporting role, or as a villain, he's pretty dull and wooden as the main protagonist. The movie tries its best to make him cool and interesting, but he just doesn't have the charisma to match the movie's hype. I got bored of the movie about halfway through because I just didn't care enough about Machete's character to maintain my interest. It sucks, but there it is.

The movie's climax was also so overwhelmingly over-the-top, it just totally lost me. I couldn't understand why Lindsey Lohan's character was suddenly wearing a nun outfit, and shooting people. I just didn't give a fuck about any of these people.

So, there it is. Machete is worth a look, but it hardly has the makings of a classic. I'm starting to think maybe Robert Rodriguez is becoming too much of a parody of himself to be taken seriously anymore, which is a shame because Desperado is, in my opinion, one of the best action movies ever made. As Machete went on, though, I began to wish I was watching Black Dynamite for the 20th time instead.

Verdict: Meh - S'alright