Things You Should be Watching, but Probably Aren't: One Piece

The first time I came across this series, it was on a lazy Saturday morning when I was still in college. Out of sheer curiosity, and boredom, I tuned into the Saturday morning cartoons to scope out the kind of quality programming the kids were being fed nowadays. Just by chance, One Piece happened to be coming on. I was immediately repelled by it, as this was the time that the Saturday morning line-up was being inundated with kiddie anime like Yu-Gi-Oh, Cardcaptor Sakura, and Duel Masters (among others). They all struck me as rip-offs of Pokemon, and so I never bothered watching.

One Piece seemed like just another turd shipped over from Japan to feed to our young as mental breakfast. I hated the animation style, and the main character's Tom Sawyer-like appearance, combined with his bizarre stretchy power, made it difficult for my brain to process that early in the morning. Also, the voice acting, not to mention the hip-hop opening, was atrocious. With a curt, "Fuck this", I changed the channel to a rerun of Beakman's World and never looked back...

...until a friend highly recommended I give it another shot. This was a couple years later, while I was working my first ever office job. At the time, I was already immersed in other Shonen Jump inspired anime, such as Bleach and Naruto. I'd watch them while at work, as I had way too much free time for such things. When my friend told me to give One Piece another shot, I figured I had more than enough time, so why not? This time I'd be watching the real show, and not the piece of shit American version.

From the moment I heard the catchy, infectiously upbeat opening music, I was pretty well hooked...



The series, based on the Shonen Jump manga by Eiichiro Oda, is about the adventures of an aspiring Pirate King named Monkey D. Luffy. As a young boy, Luffy once looked up to an older man, and famous pirate, named "Red Hair" Shanks, who saved Luffy from drowning after he accidentally ate something called a "Devil Fruit". A Devil Fruit is a rare object that, once consumed, gives its user an unusual ability, which, in Luffy's case, is the ability to stretch out like rubber. The downside of Devil Fruit? If a Devil Fruit user happens to fall into seawater, they'll sink like a stone. Shanks loses his left arm while saving Luffy, but undeterred by the loss, leaves with his pirate crew, entrusting his straw hat with Luffy with the promise that some day, when they meet again on the high seas, Luffy can return it.

Aside from wanting to eventually reunite with Shanks, Luffy's main objective is to find a famous treasure called the One Piece, and became King of the Pirates. Along the way, he meets and recruits a colorful variety of crew members to help him in this quest. Here's a run down of each member:

"Straw Hat" Monkey D. Luffy - As mentioned before, Luffy is the main character, and Captain of the Straw Hat Pirates. Luffy is impulsive, loudmouthed, and not fairly bright. However, he compensates for this failings with a heart of gold and a tenacious spirit to overcome insurmountable odds. It also helps that he possesses the ability to stretch his body like rubber, granting him impressive fighting abilities.










"Pirate Hunter" Roronoa Zoro - Luffy's second-in-command, Zoro is a highly skilled swordsman, having mastered the "three kitana" style of sword fighting. Zoro travels the world in search of someone to test his skill, and gained notoriety for hunting pirates for their bounty. After Luffy saves his life, Zoro reluctantly agrees to travel with him, figuring he would continue to find ways to improve his swordsmanship along the way. Zoro is a very stoic individual, who spends most of his time either working out, or taking naps. Even though he is a fiercely strong warrior, he has an almost uncannily terrible sense of direction and, if left to explore on his own, often gets lost until the Straw Hat crew either find him or serendipitously run into him.







"Cat Burglar" Nami is the navigator and treasurer/expert thief for the Straw Hat crew. She is strong-willed, feisty, and can be overcome with greed on occasion, although never so much so that she is inconsiderate of her fellow crew-members' needs. Nami is not only a skilled thief, but a highly skilled navigator and cartographer. She joins the crew after Luffy helps liberate her home island from a vicious gang of fish men. Her goal is to eventually draw a map of the entire world.






"Sogeking" Usopp is the sniper for the Straw Hat crew. Usopp is a skilled marksman, a serviceable weapons developer, and a talented liar. He joins the Straw Hat crew to follow in his father's footsteps, who serves as a sniper for "Red Hair" Shanks' crew, and overcome his natural propensity for cowardice. Usopp later develops a masked alter ego, named "Sogeking" (which means "King of Snipers"), after he dramatically quits the Straw Hats over an argument with Luffy. He eventually discards the Sogeking persona and rejoins the crew as Usopp (the whole time Luffy and Chopper are the only ones unaware that Usopp and Sogeking were the same person). Usopp is armed with a slingshot and a variety of different bullets that have different effects.




"Black Leg" Sanji is the ship's cook and a formidable kick-boxer. He joins the crew with the hopes of discovering an area of the world called the "All Blue", where it is said some of the most delicious sea life in the world reside. Sanji tries to project a cool, charismatic image, but it is often shattered the moment he meets an attractive woman, causing him to lose his composure and become rather embarrassingly subservient. Sanji can be rather vain, especially when it comes to his appearance, and becomes incredibly depressed whenever the subject of his poorly drawn "wanted" poster is brought up.








"Cotten Candy Lover" Tony Tony Chopper is the ship's medic. Chopper is a reindeer who ate a Devil Fruit that granted him the ability to transform into a human/reindeer hybrid. Chopper also has the ability to transform into a variety of human/reindeer forms by using medicinal drugs called "Rumble Balls" (hehehehe). Each form has a special ability, but can be maintained only temporary and with the cost of extreme exhaustion to Chopper's stamina. He learned medicinal arts from a crackpot doctor who sheltered Chopper when he had no place else to go. Chopper is naive, childlike, and is prone to panic almost as much, if not more, than Usopp. For some reason, he can't understand the concept of hiding, and will often hide in plain sight, not knowing how exposed he is. His nickname comes from the only picture of him that exists, which is an unflattering photo of him eating cotton candy. Chopper gets about as depressed as Sanji when he realizes that his bounty is a puny 50 Beli.

"Devil Child" Nico Robin is an archeologist and historian, devoted to discovering the true origin of the world, even though her quest into such forbidden information makes her into the World Government's enemy. Robin's Devil Fruit gift is she can make various parts of her body sprout from any surface she can see, making her a fairly deadly foe. When Luffy and company first encounter her, she is working for a man named Crocodile, who is a vicious crime lord intent on taking over the Alabasta Kingdom. After he is defeated by Luffy, she decides to travel with Straw Hats, but only after she confronts her own tragic past with the World Government (which, as it turns out, is one of the most epic story arcs in the entire series). Robin is very calm and cunning individual, often spending her time nose deep in books. She doesn't really serve an official function on the ship, besides being a font of knowledge about the various places they travel too.


"Cyborg" Franky is an extremely gifted engineer and serves as Luffy's shipwright. He joins the crew when Luffy's first ship, The Going Merry, becomes far too damaged to continue traveling the sea. Franky builds an even bigger, better ship the Straw Hats, called The Thousand Sunny. Franky is a cyborg, having had to replace most of his body parts with machines after a tragic childhood accident. Franky's cyborg body, and most of the tech he develops, is powered by soda. Franky is a brash loudmouth, who likes to awkwardly pepper his sentences with the word "super", but he has a good heart.







"Dead Bones" Brook is the ship's musician and entertainer. Brook used to be a member of the Rumbar Pirate crew, but was the only one left alive after their encounter with Thriller Bark... although "alive" may be a relative term. Brook died as well, but was revived due to a Devil Fruit he had eaten while alive. His unusual power is life after death, although in the form of a skeleton. Despite his rather tragic past, and somewhat frightening appearance, Brook is very jovial and about as happy-go-lucky as Luffy, although this can be a source of annoyance to the Straw Hat crew as it is a source of entertainment. Brook has a tendency to constantly make reference to the fact that he is a skeleton with jokes like, "My heart is pumping so fast... although, being a skeleton, I have no heart!" He's a skilled fencer, though not as skilled with a sword as Zoro. He also has the ability play songs that have effects on people, such as putting them to sleep. Brook joins the crew after Luffy helps him reclaim his shadow from the evil shadow-stealing captain of Thriller Bark, Gecko Moria.


Phew! Finally finished listing the protagonists of the series! Now for the villains...

Just kidding. The reason I so exhaustively went over the main characters of the show is to detail the variety of colorful characters that travel with Luffy on his quest. Trust me when I say that, as strange as these characters may seem, they are nothing compared to some of the characters the Straw Hats encounter throughout the series.

The show presents us with a very odd, yet intricate fantasy world, where the possibilities of the kind of adventures awaiting Luffy seem endless. Whenever I start a new season, I cannot fathom what kind of story the series will present to me next. One Piece is, by far, the most imaginative television series, animated or otherwise, I have seen in a long, long while. The show has a tone that can only be described as "fearlessly joyful", but is capable of becoming dramatic and serious at the drop of a hat (or straw hat, as it were). Do not be fooled by the kiddy look of the show - shit gets real on a regular basis. People die in this show, although not in glorified, gory ways. My point is, unlike in most shows for children, this show has stakes, and does not attempt to soften it up for a kid's sensibilities. All the main characters have a fairly tragic past that motivates them, involving loved ones dying brutal, violent deaths. The show is also full of epic battles, with most seasons culminating with all the characters facing off against bad guys that test all of their limits. The way that each character overcomes the odds and emerges victorious is usually very cleverly thought out, and battles are paced in such a way that one can't help but clap in adulation when Luffy, or some other character, finally gets the upper hand. All the characters are just so goddamn likeable you want to see them win!

Just as much as the show is capable of compelling drama, it is also capable of truly hilarious comedy. I have found myself laughing until there were tears in my eyes at some of the shenanigans of the Straw Hats. All of the characters' personalities, with their various quirks, make for some really funny dynamics. Zoro and Sanji constantly bicker and compete with each other, sometimes even in the face of mortal danger. Just the concept of Luffy, an aspiring pirate captain with a childlike, somewhat stupid tendency for rushing headlong into dangerous situations, is a constant source of comedy itself.

The show has been ongoing for quite a long time, so newbies will have a fairly substantial amount of episodes to get through before they can even hope to catch up. In which case, I would recommend watching the show a little bit at a time - take it season by season; watch a season here, take a break, and then watch another season later. Each season usually consists of about 24-26 episodes, although season one is a hefty 60(!) episodes long. I would also INSIST on watching the original Japanese version with subtitles, as the English dub is truly shit. I'm not just saying this as a snotty, anime purist - I'd be the first to recommend an English dub if I thought it was any good. However, much of the charm of this show is lost in the English, kiddy version. The English version edits out a lot of the more violent, bloody scenes and even Sanji's trademark cigarette is replaced with a cinnamon stick. Lame. The voices don't match the characters at all either. Sanji's voice is some kind of Brooklyn brawler voice, which makes no sense whatsoever. Watch the Japanese version, or don't even bother - trust me.

If you're interested in checking out the series, nearly all of the episodes, both dubbed (ugh) and subtitled (yay!) are available on Hulu! You can also find every episode on a site called Watchop.com, although, annoyingly, the intros/outros of some of the episodes are edited out. There is always the option, of course, of watching it on DVD, although I imagine they are probably pretty pricey and hard to come by. At any rate, there are so many options for watching, you have no excuse NOT to check out this charming series!

The Simpsons - Ninth Season & Machete

The Simpsons - Ninth Season

Whenever I review a season of The Simpsons from its "golden era" (1990 - 2002 ...roughly), I feel the need to start out by stating the obvious: who needs this review? The Simpsons is one of the most brilliant comedies to ever be on television, and everybody knows it. So I won't waste your time by expounding at length as to what makes The Simpsons so great. Instead, I'll just cite some of my favorite episodes, and post hilarious clips (if I can find any) from them. Deal?

"The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson"

This has always been one of my favorites! This episode rarely plays on syndication, because of 9/11 - that's right, because the episode features the Twin Towers, they stopped airing it, which is absolutely retarded. Heaven forbid that we acknowledge that the Twin Towers actually existed at one point in time! Fuck political correctness.

"The Cartridge Family"

In this episode, Homer buys a gun, which not only puts his family's safety at risk, but endangers his marriage to Marge, who strongly disapproves of a gun in the house. This episode features one of my favorite Homer Simpson lines: "When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power - like God must feel when he's holding a gun!"

"Bart Carny"

Homer and Bart befriend two carnies, one of whom is voiced by the late Jim "Ernest" Varney. This episode is hilarious from end-to-end, but my favorite part is when Bart and Lisa go on a crappy haunted house carnival ride.

"The Joy of Sect"

Springfield falls prey to a creepy cult, named the Movementarians, headed by an enigmatic figure only known as "The Leader". It falls to Marge to find a way to break the cult's hold over the town, and her family.

"Simpson Tide"

Homer joins the Navy, and nearly causes a war when he mistakenly steers a submarine into Russian waters.

"The Trouble with Trillions"

After getting in trouble with the IRS, Homer acts as their patsy in a mission to recover a rare trillion dollar bill, stolen by none other than Mr. Burns. My favorite line is during the film reel that explains the creation of the trillion dollar bill as a means to aid Europe after World War II. In a speech, President Truman says: "This money is to help out our allies, who fought so poorly, and surrendered so readily."

"Trash of the Titans"

Homer runs the local sanitation commissioner, voiced by Steve Martin, out of office, and is voted in his place after making outrageous promises that he can't possibly keep.



"Lost Our Lisa"

Lisa sets off by herself on a trip to downtown Springfield to see a museum exhibit, only to get hopelessly lost. I included this episode if only for this line of Homer's when he gets stuck on a run-away cherry picker: "I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!"

Verdict: Fucking Awesome... duh




Machete (2010)

A former Federale, and all around badass, Machete (Danny Trejo), so named because of his preference for using blades to slice up his enemies, wants revenge after his family is butchered by a brutal drug lord named Rogelio Torrez, played by Steven Seagal. Robert Deniro also stars as a Texas State senator that hates Mexicans, and Jessica Alba put her acting skills to the test playing a smoking hot immigration cop.

Not many of you may know this, but this movie was inspired by a fake movie trailer Rodriguez created for Grindhouse a couple years ago:



The idea being that a couple of the fake movie trailers would be made into a second Grindhouse project. However, since Grindhouse didn't do very well in theaters, only Machete was actually made into a film, which is a shame, because as much as I loath Eli Roth, I would have loved to have seen Thanksgiving made into a real movie:



Actually, while searching for the trailer on Youtube, I discovered that Thanksgiving will be made into a movie. Neat!

Okay, so here's the deal with Machete: it's a fun movie. It's every bit as goofy, exciting, and campy as the Grindhouse movies, Planet Terror and Deathproof. There's a lot to like here: great action sequences, a cool 70s schlock atmosphere, and a half-naked Jessica Alba taking a shower. Which, by the way, I must point out that she utterly refused to bare any kind of nudity for Sin City, despite the fact that she signed on to play a fucking STRIPPER in the movie, yet she was willing to be semi-nude while playing an immigration officer? Proof positive that Jessica Alba is a dumb twat.

It's clear from beginning to end that the cast and crew had a lot of fun making this film. Even Robert Deniro looks like he's having a ball with this project. It was even great to see Steven Seagal in a real movie, although he doesn't have much screen time (probably for the best). However, I have only one problem with this movie: Danny Trejo. While the guy has always been awesome in a supporting role, or as a villain, he's pretty dull and wooden as the main protagonist. The movie tries its best to make him cool and interesting, but he just doesn't have the charisma to match the movie's hype. I got bored of the movie about halfway through because I just didn't care enough about Machete's character to maintain my interest. It sucks, but there it is.

The movie's climax was also so overwhelmingly over-the-top, it just totally lost me. I couldn't understand why Lindsey Lohan's character was suddenly wearing a nun outfit, and shooting people. I just didn't give a fuck about any of these people.

So, there it is. Machete is worth a look, but it hardly has the makings of a classic. I'm starting to think maybe Robert Rodriguez is becoming too much of a parody of himself to be taken seriously anymore, which is a shame because Desperado is, in my opinion, one of the best action movies ever made. As Machete went on, though, I began to wish I was watching Black Dynamite for the 20th time instead.

Verdict: Meh - S'alright

True Blood - Second Season (2009) & Predators (2010)

True Blood - Second Season

Bad things are going on in Bon Temps, and it ain't just the massive amounts of sex... well, actually, in this case, it is. A stranger named Maryann (Michelle Forbes) moves into town, and her presence has a very curious effect on the residents of the small Louisiana town - namely, she has the ability to lull everyone into a horny, drunken stupor. While Bon Temps descends into disarray of Soddom and Gomorrah proportions, Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin), her vampire beau Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer), and local vampire sheriff Eric (Alexander Skarsgaard) are in Dallas trying to find a vampire named Godric, who is believed to have been kidnapped by a zealous anti-vampire church called The Fellowship of the Sun.

I realize how silly this show is, I really do. It really isn't all too different from it's distant, retarded cousin, Twilight, except for one crucial thing - this series actually has likable characters, interesting villains with a clear motivation, and a vampire/human love story that makes sense (as far as such things go). More importantly, when a vampire is exposed to sunlight, it fucking dies as it is supposed to. Don't make me go into my rant about why leaving that aspect of vampire mythology out of Twilight completely negates any downside to vampirism whatsoever. DON'T MAKE ME DO IT, DAMMIT!

Anyway, this season was an interesting contrast to the first, which was centered on a mysterious serial killer that savagely murdered any woman who appeared to be sympathetic, or sexually attracted to, vampires. The villain this season is almost immediately exposed as Maryann, but the mystery is just what the hell she is, and how can she be stopped. Then there's the other mystery of what happened to Godric, which leads to a rather unexpected climax. So, there was a lot to like about this season. I'm especially beginning to enjoy Eric, who is a total bastard, but he pulls it off with such a devilish, almost flippant charm, one can't help but to grudgingly like him. He may be an asshole, but he's damned good at it. I guess it doesn't hurt that he's had hundreds of years practice at it.

I even enjoyed the ultimately pointless subplot of local loser-at-love, Hoyt, courting Jessica, a vampire Bill had to create last season as penance for killing another vampire to save Sookie. It served a nice break from the main narrative, while not being too terribly distracting (or annoying).

I can't say I have many complaints - I found the second season as entirely enjoyable as the first, if not more so. As I said before, sure, I acknowledge that the show is ridiculous, but the show doesn't try to be anything more than what it is - a supernatural drama. I also like that the show is expanding its mythology to include other creatures, such as Greek demigods, changelings, and other supernatural creatures. It certainly makes me intrigued at what's coming next.

Verdict: Fucking Awesome!



Predators (2010)

A group of pals, who all met in the same peer group for sexual addiction, go on the prowl for some illegal, high school jailbait. Hi-jinks ensue!

No, wait, I'm sorry, that's just the plot to a future Chuck Palahniuk book - my bad!

Adrian Brody plays a badass merc... wait, did I just say that? Let me read that sentence again... yep. Yep, I just said the words, "Adrian Brody plays a badass merc". Weird. Anyway, he plays a mercenary named Royce (mercs always get the cool names), who wakes up free-falling into a luscious jungle on what turns out to be an alien world. Pulling his shoot just in time to not go "spat", and end the movie before it even began, Royce shortly finds others who have been similarly abducted, and they band together to try and survive... the Predators! Da-da-daaah!

So, to make a long story short, this is pretty obviously a shameless attempt at cashing in on the elements that made the first movie so great. I mean, everything is here: hard-as-nails soldiers, accompanied by an equally tough woman, being hunted in the jungle by not only one alien predator, but several (which hardly seems sporting). One guy has a gatling gun, just like Jesse Ventura's character in the first one. One character is really into shamanistic, warrior shit, just like the Native American guy in the first movie. They even directly refer to the first movie, when it is revealed that one of the characters is familiar with the predator creature because she read the debriefing Aw-nold's character gave at the end of the first movie. What are the odds??? I mean, even the music sounds just like the soundtrack from the first movie! I guess I shouldn't complain, because as far as sequels go, this one is a shitload better than Predator 2. I don't see why they didn't just do this as a sequel in the first place, much as the sequel to Alien was Aliens. All you gotta do is slap a sexy "s" at the end, and bam, you got a sssssolid ssssequel.

This movie is pretty solid, too, despite the many, many flaws. Even though it may seem like the Predators are lowering the bar on who they hunt after, after Danny Glover gave them a sound ass-whoopin', by picking Adrien Brody, Brody actually does a decent job being the action hero. He even got pretty ripped for the part. The rest of the characters don't matter much, as they all die fairly quickly, one-by-one, which we as an audience could care less for, because we don't really know these characters. The first movie was interesting because it started off as a war movie - the first quarter of the movie is simply Arnold's team carrying out their original mission. In this way, we get a chance to familiarize ourselves with these guys, and see them work as a unit, so that when the Predator begins taking them out one-by-one, and the unit starts breaking down, it's pretty unnerving! Plus, the whole sci-fi element of them being hunted by an alien comes out of nowhere! So you almost feel just as out-of-place and confused as they do when they start getting picked off by an invisible creature. Part of your brain is going, "Wasn't this a war movie just a minute ago??" It'd be like watching Platoon, and halfway through, they get attacked by the aliens from Aliens.

Gone, is that element of surprise and mystery from this sequel, making it lose any charm it might have had otherwise. As a viewer, you just wait for these people to catch up to what you already know, which is that they will shortly be hunted by predators. When they finally do, your brain just checks out, and waits for the end credits to roll. It simply won't be needed for the rest of the movie. The twist at the end involving Topher Grace's character is interesting, but pointless, causing your brain to maybe look over its shoulder at the movie for a moment, before going, "Pfft, whatever..." and going back to sleep.

So, watch the movie if you want to kill some time on a lonely Friday night, or better yet, fuck this movie - just watch the first one again.

Verdict: S'alright

Tenchi Universe, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans, Empire

Tenchi Universe (1995)

A strange teenage boy named Tenchi Masaki suddenly finds himself caught up in a love triangle between a rough-and-tumble space pirate named Ryoko and a beautiful, but sometimes bratty, alien princess named Ayeka. I say that Tenchi is "strange" because an average, heterosexual teenage boy would have let both girls have their way with him, and then some, rather than constantly rebuff both of their advances. Anyway, pretty soon Tenchi's house gets filled up with a number of other stranded guests from outer space, including Mihoshi and Kyone, officers with the Galaxy Police; Sasame, Ayeka's little sister; and Washu, the self-proclaimed most brilliant scientist in the Universe.

I was first exposed to this show way back in 2000, the summer before I went to college. Cartoon Network had just started an afternoon cartoon block called "Toonami", which featured several anime brought over from Japan, including such shows as Mobile Suit Gundam, the Tenchi series, and Big O (go ahead, make the joke... it's right there, like a dying deer, ready for the mercy killing...).



I used to be devoted to making sure I caught Toonami everyday. For the longest time, I had always wanted to watch more anime, but it was hard to find back in my small town middle school/high school days, especially on television. The only anime I could ever watch, I'd have to either rent (which was just as scarce), or buy, which was expensive as hell. Added to that, I never knew what to watch, and trust me - anime is *not* a genre you want to take a shot in the dark in. No sir. That's how an innocent, curious soul, such as myself, accidentally gets exposed to hentai, aka, demon-tentacle-rape porn. Yikes. Now that certainly blew my teenage mind, especially considering that my teenage mind was already over-saturated in sex (too bad I couldn't say the same thing for my teenage penis). I was so horny back then, even the stucco designs on my bedroom ceiling began looking like boobs and vaginas.

Whoa. Totally went off topic there.

Anyway, at that time I began watching a curious little show called Tenchi Muyo. I'm not sure what drew me to the show beyond my initial curiosity of all things anime. However, what made me continue watching the show, despite the fact that at no point did I fully comprehend what the hell was happening, was the variety of strange, but likable characters in the show. Also, the show had a great sense of humor that appealed to me, especially the concept of someone as haplessly average as Tenchi somehow accidentally attracting not only one, but two gorgeous (well, by anime standards), not to mention super powerful, intergalactic ladies, who have incredibly destructive battles with each other as they vie for Tenchi's non-existent affections. Really, the opening of Tenchi Universe says it all (which is, by the way, one of my favorite anime openings of all time - the song is just so damned catchy!):



Another aspect of the show that I liked, especially at the time, was the concept of this eclectic bunch of people, all sharing a house by the lake, and just... hanging out. I mean, they would have their crazy misadventures, usually initiated by one of Washu's inventions going wonky, or one of Ryoko's schemes of stealing Tenchi out of Ayeka's nose going horribly wrong; plus, they would inevitably end up facing a galactic menace by the end of the series. Still, in between these misadventures, these strange characters would mostly watch TV, do chores, or just nap around the house. It was an odd change of pace from the usual anime I had seen by then, which was almost always unrelentingly super violent (and, er, tentacle rapey). I found myself strangely fascinated.

So, when I saw we had the whole series at work, I just had to check it out, for old time's sake, and see if it still measured up. The answer?

Meh.

The animation is pretty dated - not Hannah Barbara, god awful dated, but by the usual excellence expected of anime, it's pretty friggin' dated. It's still really well done, though, and the characters still look great. I found myself watching the English dubbed version more often than not (blasphemy!) because that was the version of the show I remembered, and actually, the dubbing isn't that bad. It has it's moments of being irritating, but I've heard worse. The story is just as laconic as I remembered - almost irritably so. I found myself bored, wanting the characters to do something besides fight about Tenchi all the time. Even the climax at the end of the series, which I had seen way back, just didn't measure up now. What it ultimately comes down to is that I've seen better anime now. Cowboy Bebop; Wolf's Rain; Death Note; Paranoia Agent - the list goes on and on, in terms of anime series that just have more going on than Tenchi Universe.

I'll tell you what Tenchi Universe has that those shows DON'T however - WASHUUUUU!!!!



I fucking love this character. I've always had a soft spot for eccentric genius characters, and this one is certainly one-of-a-kind. Washu is a scientist who is several hundred years old, although she resides in a twelve-year-old body (by her own preference). She's incredibly arrogant, vain, impulsive, whimsical, and kind of a badass if you try to mess with her. She keeps her lab under Tenchi's stairs in sort of a TARDIS-like, transdimensional warpzone, wherein the space under the stairs is vastly larger than it should be. In a more straightforward explanation - if you were to walk into the broom closet under Tenchi's stairs, you would suddenly, inexplicably find yourself in Washu's gigantimous laboratory. Anyway, although my opinion of Tenchi Universe may have changed over the years, my love for Washu certainly didn't falter!

Verdict: S'alright


Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans (2009)

Terence McDonaugh is a drug-addled, criminally insane lunatic who lives in post-Katrina New Orleans and, wouldn't you know it, happens to be a cop. As if sensing the opportunity to go over-the-top with such a role, like nobody else can, this movie stars none other than the one, the only: Nicolas "Not the bees" Cage.



I sat down to watch this movie, fully expecting it to be a total turkey, and had my mind blown sky high when I saw who the director was - Werner Herzog. Werner Herzog???? The Werner Herzog? What. The. Fuck. In case you don't know, Werner Herzog is a world famous German director who was about the only man on Earth that was able to work with the world infamous actor, Klaus Kinski. The two of them collaborated on a couple of classics, among which are Aguirre: The Wrath of God (1971), Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979), and Fitzcarraldo (1982), all fantastic movies. Herzog has only recently attained a modest foothold in American film with his documentary Grizzly Man (2005), which has been shown on TV several times, and the 2006 critical hit, Rescue Dawn, starring another famously difficult actor, Christian Bale. While Herzog is certainly not a household name, his work is required viewing for film schools. So, imagine my shock and awe when I saw that he directed a Nic Cage movie with as stupid a name as Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans. I guess they didn't want people to think this was a complete remake of the original Bad Lieutenant (1992), starring Harvey Kietel.

I haven't seen the original, but I imagine that Nic Cage's uniquely manic performance, paired with the location of New Orleans, probably makes it unrecognizable to Kietel's movie. Yes, by the way, Cage is totally unleashed in this movie, but in this film, it makes sense. His character is totally out-of-control, and kind of deranged, which fits Cage's style perfectly. Cage successfully injects a devilish charm into the cunning, ruthless character of Terrence McDonaugh. There are several scenes that are... out there... to be sure, among which is the scene in which Terrence rapes a guy's girlfriend in the parking lot, and forces him to watch at gunpoint. Still, this movie isn't bad - from the moment I saw the tracking shot of a snake swimming through a flooded jail (completely symbolizing Terrence's character, and how he slithers through New Orleans), I knew I was probably in good hands. The movie isn't as good as Rescue Dawn, but it's decent.

Verdict: S'alright



Empire (2002)

John Leguizamo stars as a Latino who gets fucked over by a white man. That never happens! Actually, he plays a drug dealer named Victor Rosa, who manages to make a comfortable living in the hood, until he meets a Wall Street hotshot named Jack (Peter Sarsgaard), who convinces him to quit the life of street crime, and upgrade to the life of real crime - Wall Street!

Yeah, I know, why has it taken me so long to see this movie??? I haven't seen the Godfather movies, The Exorcist, barely a Woody Allen flick, and now this?? I bet you're already thinking, "What's next? Is he going to say he still hasn't seen Cocoon: The Return?" Short answer: no, I haven't.

Enough with the jokings. I've always been a fan of Leguizamo's one man shows, especially his masterpiece, Freak. Seriously, if you haven't seen this, find it. Now. It's one of the most hilarious things on the planet. It was also a serious influence in what made me want to be a stand-up comic. Sure, Leguizamo isn't a stand-up comic, per say, but he did a hell of a job with Freak.



I loved this show so much, I found myself catching any movie Leguizamo appeared in from then on out, because I almost felt like I knew the guy. I even got to see his one man show live, and meet him afterward (which is certainly up there in the Top 10 Best Things That I Ever Experienced). However, devoted as I may be, the guy makes a lot of movies, some of them... not the greatest films in the world (which even he would admit to). Most of the others, though, are not bad at all - which is exactly where I'd put Empire. It's a predictable, derivative crime drama, about how impossible it is to escape the life of crime. We've seen it all before, in much better movies, but nevertheless, the movie gives just enough effort to be at least entertaining, and Leguizamo's performance is earnest.

By the movie's end, though, I just shrugged, said it was "alright", and was content never to watch it again.

Verdict: S'alright

Inception

Inception (2010)

Plot Summary:

Cobb, a thief who specializes in invading people's dreams, endangers his entire crew during a particularly delicate dream heist with his emotional baggage involving his ex-wife. Stars Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

There's a lot of hostility surrounding this movie. It may not be at a fever pitch, like the hostility that Kanye West incites annually when he's about to drop a new album, but it's still there. I've had friends heap praise for the movie, but just as many sling an awful lot of hate at it. The hate had a familiar smell to it, too - the smell of bitter cynicism, with a pinch of movie snobbery. It's such a recognizable form of hate, because I indulge in it from time to time myself. You see, some people just hate it when movies are universally adored, because if so many people agree about one thing, well, there's just got to be something wrong with it. That's the seed, or inception if you will, that made me begin to doubt religion. It's that same sort of suspicion that I harbored when so many people were saying The Hangover was the funniest movie ever - a suspicion, by the way, that panned out to be true - it isn't the funniest movie ever. It's not even all that funny.

Still, as logical as such a thread of cynicism may be, it is pretty misguided. There are plenty of universally loved movies that absolutely deserve such adoration: The Empire Strikes Back, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Back to the Future, Office Space, and The Dark Knight to name a few. So, when this movie hit, and began to sweep in a plethora of positive reviews, snarky self-styled critics were there to take it down a peg or two. Here's the thing - if you analyze a movie to death, you will find plenty of flaws, just as if you stand too close to the Mona Lisa, you completely miss the beauty of the entire picture. Ever since completing my Minor in Film Studies, it's always been difficult for me to just lose myself in a movie, and enjoy it for what it has always been for me - two hours to just forget how boring real life is. Period.

The criticisms that I've heard, from several sources, are:

• The characters are wooden and boring
• The movie is way too long
• The movie pretends to be smarter than it actually is
• The dreams sequences are not "realistic"
• The plot is way too convoluted.
  

So, rather than spend this review ejaculating my adoration of the film, and mark my words, I did enjoy this film immensely, I am going to address some of these critiques.

The characters are wooden and boring

Of all the critiques, this is probably the only one I will reluctantly halfway agree with. Besides Leo's character, Cobb, we don't really get to know the rest of the characters. We have no idea who Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character is, his background, or his relation to Cobb other than that they work together. Ellen Page is introduced a quarter of the way in the film as a talented graduate student, who hesitantly joins Cobb's crew, but she is nothing more than a rather obvious plot device used as a way to explain to the audience how the mechanics of how the dream world works. She's also the only character who actively investigates Cobb's past, because she thinks it will endanger the mission.

So, essentially, everyone is there to supplement Cobb's story arc, and nothing more, but really, is that such a bad thing? The movie does hint that ALL OF IT could be Cobb's dream that he's never escaped from, and leaves this very ambiguous. So, if it were all just a dream, then the other characters don't really matter that much. Also, in the end, this movie is a heist film, and in such movies, the heist is the main character - it is a puzzle, and the characters are puzzle pieces. They all come together to support the main character. It doesn't matter who they are, just what purpose they serve to pulling off the heist. This isn't an ensemble drama or a character study, so any plot development that is non-conducive to the task at hand, which is "how do we rob this casino", or in Inception's case, "how do we invade this guy's mind and implant an idea so that he thinks it's his own", is irrelevant.

The movie is way too long

This is a criticism I'm quick to agree with, on most occasions, but not on this one. This movie, which clocks in at approximately 148 minutes, is exactly as long as it needs to be. More often than not, many movies do suffer the problem of being longer than it needs to be - this is especially a problem with comedies. A good comedy should be 90-minutes long, or shorter - no more. The reason being because of the very nature of comedies - most of them are farcical, and the plot is usually built on a foundation of misunderstandings that lead to humorous catastrophes, which become more unbelievable, and annoying, the longer a movie stretches it out.

The gravity of a movie's plot must sustain the time allotted to it. The Dark Knight is almost 3 hours long, but you don't feel the time going by at all, because the movie's story is so multilayered and full of enough rich, interesting characters to support the length. Then you have The Passion of the Christ, which is two hours long, and man those hours just drag like the cross on Jesus' back. This movie is too long because the subject matter doesn't support the time - two hours of watching a man being beaten, tortured, and eventually killed is, quite frankly, boring. By the 30 minute mark, you've seen so much brutality, your brain is numbed by it, and begins to starve for an actual story of some sort. The movie tries to interject flashbacks of Jesus hanging with his people, talking to his mom about how he invented the modern dinette set (which is in the Bible somewhere, I think...), in an effort to break the monotony, but it fails, because other than our familiarity with the Bible story, the movie does not attempt to connect to the audience on a deeper emotional level, other than visceral horror.

Did... did i just go on a rant about The Passion out of nowhere? Sorry, let's get back on track. At no point, during Inception, did I feel time dragging. The story was well paced, and although it did take more time than was maybe necessary to explain the dream mechanics, it was still enough of a fascinating concept to keep me interested. Any good heist movie takes time to set up the heist, and then use the rest of the time to execute the heist. In a movie like this, where the heist in question is rather unorthodox, then a lot of explanation is necessary to ensure the audience isn't left wondering what the hell is going on.

The movie pretends to be smarter than it actually is

So, how "smart" does a movie have to actually be to pass a MENSA test exactly? I have difficulty responding to this one, because it's kind of a silly criticism. Would we prefer all of the summer blockbusters that get released be Michael Bay level idiotic? Inception is a smart enough movie that is was not only a critical hit, but a box office hit as well. People generally enjoyed this movie, and though it may not be as cerebral as Mulholland Drive, I find it optimistic that a film like this, which attempts to be more intelligent than the usual blockbuster, can be a hit. Besides, the movie doesn't pretend to be smart at all - it's a fucking heist movie! It puts on no more pretenses of being cerebral than the Ocean's 11 remake. The movie didn't start with a caption which reads: "Warning - You will need a college degree to view this film." You see, when a movie attempts to be smarter than what it is, that is called being "pretentious". Wes Anderson movies, for example, are a great example of a movie that is pretentious. Inception is about as far removed from being pretentious as any movie could be.

The dream sequences are not "realistic"

The words "realistic" and "dream" should never be in a sentence together. The person who told me this further explained how the movie's portrayal of dreams was way too linear, when in real life, dreams are usually much more random. This movie is not about exploring the nature of dreams - once again, it's a heist movie, but one that utilizes dreams as an angle that sets it apart from other heist movies. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes, the dreams are a bit linear, but they use a machine to fabricate the dreams, so why wouldn't it be linear? How effective would this tech be if the dreams that they invaded were a chaotic hodgepodge of random things and events? Plus, it would have made the plot more incoherent and difficult to follow, especially in what is supposed to be a mainstream movie.

The plot is way too convoluted

I hear this one mostly from people who say that they watched only 5-minutes and then stopped the movie because they didn't get it. First of all, this is a terminally retarded reason to not like this movie. No, really, it is, because you would have to be retarded to think this plot is "convoluted". A plot is only complicated when the movie doesn't bother to tell you what the hell is going on. This movie holds your hand all the way through, carefully explaining everything that is happening. Sure, the movie doesn't explain immediately, within the first 5 fucking minutes, but sorry if you need a Star Wars like title crawl to explain everything at the onset of a film - not every movie is like that. If the big ol' bad movie is too hard for you, go watch Cop Dog or something, idiot.

Sorry if you're reading this and thinking I'm being an asshole, but this really pisses me off. It's the same kind of bullshit I would have deal with when people would bitch about how they hate Lost, because it never answers anything. My stock answer would always be: how about you calm down and wait until the next fucking season?? When you read a mystery book, do you throw it in the garbage if it doesn't reveal who the killer is within the first chapter? No. That would be the stupid. So, stopping a movie at 5-minutes, because it hasn't explained what is happening yet, is equally as stupid. Sometimes I think movie theaters should hand out Adderall to people, in case their attention span has been too deteriorated from years of reality television consumption.

Yes, the plot of this movie is a little complicated, but it's supposed to be - the formula of any good heist movie is that it takes the time to set up the pieces of the puzzle so that they come together in a way that makes the audience think some kind of trick was pulled on them.

Anyway, that's my thoughts on the film. I will add that the soundtrack by Hans Zimmer was outstanding. I've been listening to a couple of my favorite tracks for the past couple of days, "Dream is Collapsing" and "Time". I'll end this review by embedding both for your ears' enjoyment:






Verdict: Fucking Awesome

Smart People, MacGruber, Fringe - Season 1

Before I get started, I want to let you all know that I have been watching a string of M. Night Shayamalan movies (god help my soul), in an effort to catch up to The Last Airbender, so that I can write about him in my Craig Bitches About Everything blog. My point is, normally, I'd review these movies right here, but since I'll probably talk about them quite extensively in the aforementioned blog, I felt it'd be redundant. So, if you read my blog regularly, and would like to know how much I hated Lady in the Water, The Happening, and The Last Airbender, just keep your eyes peeled for my very next entry in Craig Bitches About Everything.



Smart People

Amazon's Description:
Driven by a clever script and fine performances, SMART PEOPLE is set in the land of academia, a place where both Lawrence and Vanessa have taken refuge and plunged themselves into as escape from the external world. In spite of their high IQs, both father and daughter are equally clueless when it comes to navigating relationships. This becomes obvious as Vanessa develops a line-blurring relationship with her uncle, and Lawrence stumbles in romancing his doctor. If Vanessa wants a shot at happiness and Lawrence wants to make things work in his love life, both will have to adopt new attitudes or risk further alienation. Starring Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ellen Page, and Thomas Hayden Church.

I rented this movie on a whim because I like Ellen Page (fuck you, Juno haters, she was fucking amazing in Hard Candy) and I thought the cover looked interesting. However, the cover was a little misleading. I mistakenly thought Thomas Hayden Church's character was lying dead on the couch, making me believe this to be a hilarious dark comedy about people who think they are smart, until they are forced to confront a situation they are not equipped for, such as disposing a dead body without alerting the authorities. Unfortunately, that was not at all what the movie was about; in fact, that would have been a much more interesting movie than what I actually ended up watching. I guess I should have read the back of the case. D'oh!

Instead, I got a movie with a boring, uninspired plot littered with characters who felt woefully underdeveloped. I think had the characters been more richly nuanced, the movie would have been much more interesting. All we really know of Lawrence is that he's a huge, cranky asshole, and I never liked him at any point during the movie. Meanwhile, Page's character, Vanessa, is an aloof, socially awkward, but brilliant, overachiever who may-or-may-not be sexually attracted to her uncle (who is not her uncle by blood, but it is still kind of "ick"). Nevertheless, this could have been a fascinating subplot, had the script more balls to openly explore it, but it's left kind of vague. Once he moves in, he makes a concerted effort to bring her out of her shell and show her how to have fun. The result of this being that she seemingly becomes attracted to him, but it's never so apparent that it actually presents a problem. My point is, if the screenwriter really wanted this subplot in there, he should have gone whole-hog. It should have been comical at the beginning, but slowly tension is built until Vanessa either says, or does, something entirely inappropriate, bringing the subplot into a clear climax, which would then be resolved, either by the uncle having a serious talk with her, or it could be the event that makes him leave the house. They sort of try to do this, but it's messy and way too ambiguous.

Meanwhile, the romantic situation going on between Dennis Quad's character and Sarah Jessica Parker is completely unconvincing. I just don't believe, after that first disastrous date, when Parker cuts it off early because Lawrence spends 45 minutes pompously lecturing her at the dinner table about literary theory, she would give him another chance. Besides, I hate Sarah Jessica Parker - I find her very presence in any movie to be grating and intolerable, especially if there is ever a scene that requires her to scream. She has the most hellishly annoying, high-pitched scream that sounds as if it came from a 12-year-old girl going through puberty, rather than a 5o-year-old woman going through menopause (I'm just guesstimating on that).

So the movie just kind of happens, then it ends, and you walk away having felt like maybe, just maybe, you could have better spent that 95 minutes doing something more entertaining, like figuring out how magnets work.

Verdict: Fucking Awful



MacGruber

IMDB's Description:

Ex-special operative MacGruber (Will Forte) is called back into action to take down his archenemy, Dieter Von Cunth (Val Kilmer), who's in possession of a nuclear warhead and bent on destroying Washington, D.C. Also stars Ryan Phillippe and Kristin Wiig.

You know, I think this is the first time the blurb on a DVD cover actually very accurately describes the movie it is printed on, because "Wildly Entertaining" is precisely what this movie is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is a good movie by any stretch of the imagination - a lot of the jokes are crude at best, many of which are mercilessly run into the ground (such as the villain's name sounding just like the word "cunt"), and the plot is absurd, even for a comedy. However, enough heart actually went into making this movie that it's oddly infectious, and even though I never liked the MacGruber sketches on SNL, from which this movie is based, I still felt kind of thrilled to hear a movie version of the theme at the beginning. The movie is honest with itself, and the viewer, about its sophomoric humor, which makes it easier to shut off the brain and just enjoy the ride. I won't lie - I laughed way harder than I should have at the celery stalk gag (just watch and see for yourself). I also loved the running gag of MacGruber carrying his cheap, 80s tape deck wherever he goes so that it doesn't get stolen. Sometimes it's the small things like that which can make all the difference in a comedy.

Not all comedies have to be "smart"- all I ask is that they be fun to watch. Dumb and Dumber is one of my favorite comedies of all time, and it is, by no means, smart; it truly lives up to its title. There are plenty of absolutely horrible gags spread throughout the movie. However, because of the earnest performances of Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels, who both improvised some of the best lines in the movie ("We landed on the moon!"), the movie is an utter joy to watch. It seems like just as much fun was put into the production of MacGruber, which translated into a comedy that isn't perfect, but gets the job done.

Verdict: Throat-rippingly Awesome!



Fringe - Season 1

Amazon's Description:

Teleportation. Mind control. Invisibility. Astral projection. Mutation. Reanimation. Phenomena that exist on the Fringe of science unleash their strange powers in this thrilling series, co-created by J.J. Abrams (Lost, Alias), combining the grit of the police procedural with the excitement of the unknown. The story revolves around three unlikely colleagues – a beautiful young FBI agent, a brilliant scientist who’s spent the last 17 years in a mental institution and the scientist’s sardonic son – who investigate a series of bizarre deaths and disasters known as “the pattern.” Someone is using our world as an experimental lab. And all clues lead to Massive Dynamic, a shadowy global corporation that may be more powerful than any nation.

I had high expectations for this series when I started it, which is probably much of the reason I ended up somewhat disappointed. This isn't a bad show at all - the production value is first-rate, the actors are all good at what they do, and the stories are, at times, highly fascinating. However, ultimately, I kind of felt like the show was a bit too episodic for me tastes, not to mention a bit too slowly paced and a little repetitive. I'd start every episode with certain expectations: the FBI agent, Olivia, would be kind of wooden and dull; the mad scientist, Walter, will be weird and make off-color, but funny, comments; and his con-artist son, Peter, will be on stand-by to make smart ass remarks the whole way through, as each of them work to solve a bizarre case that inevitably links back to work Walter used to be involved in before he was committed. In nearly every episode, all of these expectations would be fulfilled, with almost no deviation from the formula.

I hate "Monster of the Week" shows. It's one of the reasons I never got into X-Files and why I got bored of Smallville (though the problems with that show are too numerous to go into right now). Fringe certainly walks the line, but fortunately, it is intelligently written enough so that every monster, or strange disease, is explained cleverly through reasonable, but ultimately bogus, science. The seasonal arc, involving the shady corporation Massive Dynamic, is interesting, but the season is so full of filler, that it messes up the pacing, which slowly whittles away at one's patience to see the seasonal arc play out. However, when it finally does reach a climax, it certainly pays off, and promises a much more interesting second season.

I know I'm being way too harsh on the show, but it's only because I can see the potential for greatness that it has, and it annoys me to see it squandered by an uneven first season. Most of the greatest shows on television have had shaky, if not plain terrible, first seasons (for example: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Alias, Star Trek: The Next Generation, to name a few). Sometimes a show, with as epic a story as Fringe seems to want to tell, has to have time to blossom before it can be fully appreciated. If this were a movie, season one would be the first act, and the set up is never as fun or interesting to watch as the aftermath that follows. It'd be like watching The Matrix, and turning it off just as Neo swallows the red pill - things are just getting good! Some show also need more time to figure out just what it wants to be. Sometimes season one has to be the "bad season", so that the showrunners can figure out what works and what doesn't, and then fine tune the series accordingly from then on out.

So, while Fringe didn't blow me away, I have it from a fine source that it gets better, and after the season finale, I can believe it. I just hope that it breaks away from the "Monster of the Week" mold enough to keep me interested, or I won't make it far enough through season 2 to see how good it gets.

Verdict: S'alright