Let's Kickstart a Mystery Science Theater 3000 Reunion Movie!

Anyone that knows me probably also knows what a diehard, somewhat obsessive MST3K fan I am.  I've loved the show since first discovering it in 1993 with the episode Alien in L.A.  I had actually seen that movie before on USA's Up All Night, or some such late night movie show, so I was baffled by the silhouettes in the corner making hilarious jokes and was even more so when they came out of the theater.  Who was this guy and his little robots?  The show had all the look, and budget, of a children's show but the crude and sophisticated jokes of an adult show.  I was about 12-years-old at at the time, so was at a perfect age to appreciate the show on both of those levels.  The episode was airing on MTV as a limited time promotion of the newly minted Comedy Central, so I didn't get to see this bananas show again until I randomly caught the episode Pod People on syndication. 

After that, the show became this elusive thing I was always keeping an eye out for.  I'd go over to my friend's house to spend the night, ostensibly to hang out, but but also because he had a satellite dish and I could catch MST3K if I stayed up late enough.  When the episodes were released on video tape by Rhino, I would save up money, buy every one I could get my hands on, and show them to my friends.  The episode Mitchell was a consistent hit, so I'd always show that one to newbies.  When Sci-Fi Channel aired the first teaser commercial that MST3K was coming to that network, my head nearly exploded into confetti:




Honestly, I lost my goddamn mind.  I ran around the house screaming about it to my parents (who could care less) and to my little brother (who actually did care, but not quite as much me).  It was like when I saw the trailer for the MST3K movie all over again.  I had no idea that this was even something that was in the works.  The commercial just came out while I was watching Sci-Fi on some idle Saturday, and for a moment, I thought I had imagined it.  Finally, my favorite comedy show was being broadcast on a channel I had access to.  I videotaped every episode and even wrote for an MST3k fansite that a friend and I started (back when having a website was still an impressive feat) called "The Appleberry MST3K Fansite".  Then in 1999, my last year of high school, Mystery Science Theater 3000 aired its final episode, Diabolik.  It was a fantastic episode and a great way to bow out, but I was deeply saddened to see the show go away for what appeared to be the last time.

Cut to now, and the point of this blog post.  I'm still as enthusiastic a fan of the show as ever, and now there are a wealth of episodes to access at my fingertips whenever I'm bored (which, let's face it, happens a lot).  Thankfully, the crew of MST3K are still producing new stuff such as Riff-Trax and Cinematic Titanic, which are both very funny... but just aren't the same.  I miss the dynamic between Mike (or Joel) and the Bots.  I just can't get past it.  Then last year I saw that Joel was hosting the MST3K traditional Turkey Day marathon online, and it made my fanboy day to see the show carry on, if only in spirit, by its own creator.  Then Joel showed up again, wearing the Gizmonics suit and all, after a choral performance of "Patrick Swayze Christmas".  It then occurred to me... why not bring MST3K back one more time???  If Kickstarter could be used to raise over 3 million dollars for a Veronica Mars movie, it seems feasible that it could used to fund more MST3K (which would probably cost significantly less).  Wouldn't be amazing to see a special episode, or even a feature film, where half of it is Joel and the other is Mike?  Or both together?  Of all the crazy ideas in this crazy world, this seems by far the least crazy.

As if the idea of an MST3K reunion wasn't enough, the movie they could watch?  Miami Connection.


As the voiceover guy in Street Fighter II  would say:  "PERFECT!"

Craig's Shocktober Horror Marathon 2013 - Day 6: Apollo 18 (2011)

In the 1960s, NASA sends up another space shuttle to the moon on a top secret mission to set up transmitters.  However, the astronauts sent on this mission soon discover that something sinister lives on the dark side of the moon, and baby, it ain't the green rat from the Duck Tales video game.

The movie is part of the "found footage" horror movie glut made popular by The Blair Witch Project and carried on the by the increasingly shameless Paranormal Activities movies.  Studios seem to really love this stuff because production expenses are low, which usually guarantees profit even if returns are tepid.  This movie attempts somewhat of a fresher approach, what with the retro look of the 16mm footage and the exotic location of the lunar surface.  I also really dug the claustrophobic feeling of being in a space capsule, which adds to the mounting tension a bit.

Nevertheless, the movie fell flat.  The lunar rock monsters were lame and I never felt any sense of dread or anxiety over the fate of the astronauts.  Part of the problem with "found footage" movies is you already know the characters will die, hence the "found footage".  So that can really undermine the tension if the movie doesn't take the time to make the characters interesting or likeable.  Showing footage of these guys at a grill out simply isn't enough.  I say pass on the turkey.   

Craig's Shocktober Horror Marathon 2013 - Day 5: Event Horizon (1997)

In the not too distant future, next Sunday AD, Earth launches a ship called Event Horizon to test out a new engine that could revolutionize space travel. However, it disappears and is considered lost for seven years... until it suddenly returns. A rescue mission is launched in a ship named The Lewis and Clark (worst ship name ever), headed up by Captain Miller (Lawrence Fishburn) and a scientist named Dr. Weir (Sam Neill), who designed the Event Horizon. When they find the ship, they quickly discover that the crew came to a mysterious and grisly end. It seems that the ship has been through Hell and back (literally) and will take the crew of the Lewis and Clarke with it if they are not careful.

When this movie came out, it got a lot of shit, and so I never bothered to watch it.  The director, Paul W.S. Anderson, the talentless bizarro version acclaimed director Paul Anderson (director of Magnolia, who usually goes by Paul Thomas Anderson, presumably not to be confused with his shitty counterpart) went on to direct the god-awful Resident Evil movies, which pretty much sealed the fate of me ever watching Event Horizon... until now.  Goddamn you, Netflix, for bringing this up in the horror category!

Truth be told, this movie isn't really that bad.  Sure, it has some laugh-out-loud moments that aren't supposed to be funny, like Sam Neill's scream of horror that sounds so forced it had to have been the first take... right?



There's also a moment when Sam Neill's character shows up with his eyes sewn shut.  When Captain Miller asks, "What the hell did you do to your eyes?"  Dr. Weir replies, "Eyes?  Where we're going, we don't need eyes."  It mirrors Doc Brown's "Roads?  Where we're going we don't need roads" line from Back to the Future so much it's absurd, and moments like that have a tendency to undermine the terror that is supposed to be happening onscreen.

Which is the crux of my problem with Paul W.S. Anderson - he knows how to make really cool music videos... until they become 90 minute movies.  I will say, though, that this movie is definitely an admirably original attempt at sci-fi horror.  The concept is cool, and there are genuinely tense scenes, but in the end it's just schlock... but at least it's entertaining schlock.  You could do a lot worse than Event Horizon... such as Resident Evil movies.  Or Mad Monster Party.

Craig's Shocktober Horror Marathon 2013 - Day 4: Evil Dead (2013)

    


 
So the plot of this movie is basically the same as the original - a group of teens go to a remote cabin the woods, discover the Book of the Dead, unwittingly read an incantation out loud that summons an evil demon that torments them all night.  The only difference is, whereas in the original they are at the cabin for shits and giggles, in this movie they are there to help a girl get off heroine.  I understand the logic of this, but I'm not so sure taking a heroine addict to an obvious murder cabin is the best way to help them with substance abuse.

This movie is surprisingly passable, and is perhaps the best horror movie I have watched so far in my marathon... which isn't saying much, but as opposed to the last few films, with this one I wasn't ever bored.  Oh, the movie is full of tired, ridiculous horror tropes, like characters making incredibly stupid choices, not to mention laughable moments like how viciously mauled the nerdy character gets before he finally expires (spoilers!).  Seriously, there are about four times in the movie when I thought that character was finally going to die, only for him to somehow keep living.

The camera angles are all done very well and certainly tip a hat to Sam Raimi's original film, without being too tediously reverential.  Also, a lot of the special effects were done really well, using CGI very sparingly, and deferring to real effects for most of the gore.

The only things that got on my nerves were that none of the characters were very interesting and not a single one, even the last survivor, held a candle to Bruce Campbell's character, Ash.  When this movie was being made, a lot of people speculated how an Evil Dead movie could even be considered without Bruce Campbell, as embodied the role of Ash like Harrison Ford embodies Indiana Jones - it was inconcievable to think of anyone replacing him.  The producers of the movie made a wise decision - don't even bother trying to replace him.  They just came up with a cast of all new characters, but the problem is they should have still found a leading man or woman with enough raw charisma to carry the movie with as much aplomb as Campbell.  Part of the appeal of all of the Evil Dead movies is watching this character deal with this constant madness, horror, and physical punishment, yet somehow find the ability to overcome it while spouting out cheesy one-liners like:  "Hey she-bitch - come get some." Without that character, well, it's just a bunch of generic teen characters drawn out of the same stock as any other movie getting picked off one-by-one.

 My only other issue is it felt like they tried to jam too much story into a pretty simple concept:  the Book of the Dead unleashes an invisible evil that terrorizes the people who summon it.  In the original movies, the solution came down to reading an incantation from the book to send the evil back whence it came... if the characters could survive that long.  In this, it didn't feel as simple - it seemed like they wanted to over explain it, and come up with a more drawn out, complicated solution, which nobody watches Evil Dead for.

Overall, though, it's a decent film that pays homage to the original, but I would heartily recommend just sticking to the originals and ignoring this one - especially if you haven't seen the original movies yet.  This movie gets 2 out of 4 chainsaws. 

Craig's Shocktober Horror Marathon 2013 - Day 3: Mad Monster Party? (1967)

Dr. Frankenstein is retiring and invites all of his ghoulish buddies, such as Dracula, the Mummy, the Werewolf, and the scariest monster of them all, Phyllis Diller (basically playing herself), over to his castle for a retirement party.  He also invites his only living heir, a Saved by the Bell level dweeb named Felix Flankin, to inherit his fortune, which includes a potion that can destroy anything it touches.  For whatever reason, he announces the existence of this potion to his monster friends, who immediately scheme to murder Felix and steal the potion for themselves.  Madcap "hilarity" ensues.

This movie was just wretched.  The musical segments were awful, and if they were cut out, would have shortened the movie to a more manageable hour.  The jokes were unbearably terrible, consisting mostly of lame puns or word play.  Example:

Yetch: It's me, your Don Juan.
Francesca: I Don Juan to look at you.

I found myself flabbergasted by the voice acting choices, such as the guy who voiced Felix.  He's obviously a younger man, but his voice sounds like Jimmy Stewart.  The Invisible Man mumbles like Hunter S. Thompson.  It's a mess.

Yes, I know, the movie is meant for children, but that's no excuse for it being terrible.  Pixar has proven, time and again, that movies meant for children can also be better than most movies meant for adults (look no further than Up).  The entire time I watched this I couldn't help but think of the Mr. Show sketch about whether or not monster parties actually exist.  Don't waste your time on this crappy movie - watch that sketch instead:

Craig's Shocktober Horror Marathon 2013 - Day 2: The Awakening (2011)

Florence Cathart, a professional skeptic who makes a career of debunking claims of the supernatural, is invited to a boarding school by a mysterious man named Robert (Dominic West from The Wire) to investigate rumors of a ghostly boy that is said to roam its halls.  While there, not only is her disbelief in ghosts challenged, but the foggy memory of her traumatic past. 

This movie started out with promise - I really dug the bait-and-switch in the opening scene with the seance, and was intrigued with the prospect of the ghost boy at the school.  However, the plot began to slow to a crawl, the characters showed no sign of becoming more interesting (or having a pulse), and the film descended into a schlocky, dull ghost movie.  The reveal about Florence's connection with the school was weak and there just weren't very many good scares, beyond the occasional appearance of the ghost.  All of those things, combined with the drab colors, made for a very boring film.

So 2 out of 4 ghost children!

Craig's Shocktober Horror Marathon 2013 - Day 1: The Possession (2012)

A recently divorced father (Jauvier Bardem) has his kids for the weekend at his new house and does what any dad would do after a divorce: let’s them buy anything they want, including a creepy Jewish demon box at a yard sale.  Of course, they don’t realize it harbors a demon until his youngest daughter opens the box and becomes possessed… and then creepy shit happens… the father catches on that all is night well and seeks professional help from a Rabbi (from Isreal no less - he’s not fucking around with American stock!).  Blah blah blah - this is basically a Jewish version of The Exorcist, but not as good.  This movie should have been locked in Jewish demon box and stowed away in that warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant was put away in Raiders.

I should end my review there, and really I could, but I got some things to get off my chest.  At the beginning of the movie, a caption comes up that says that the film is based off a “true story”. I am sooo goddamn sick of these possession movies using that lame ass gimmick to give the movie sort of fake legitimacy, and therefor make it scarier (because this could happen to yoooooooouuuuu! Mwuahahahahaha!). Even William Castle, who was famous for using crazy gimmicks to heighten the atmosphere of his horror films, such as offering free caskets to those who die of fright, would scoff and roll his eyes at this weak shit.

The worst part are the people who watch this and actually go home believing this crap. I was so frustrated with The Exorcism of Emily Rose because that film was about whether or not possession was real or if it is just a manifestation of a psychotic episode. The moral dilemma centers around whether or not Emily’s life could have been saved had her superstitious family given her into the care of medical science instead of a deluded priest. It’s an interesting angle on exorcism movies… until the film falls onto the side of “Yup, she was possessed - take THAT science!” Encouraging gullible people into believing that a sprinkling a few specks of holy water onto their child will cure a seizure is irresponsible. So change the wording a bit: “This movie is based on the testimony of a real person. It may or may not be true.”

Anyway, that aside, the movie was just boring, standard possession movie tropes with a Jewish dreidel spin (see what I did there?). Everybody whispers most of their lines, making it frustrating to hear dialogue. All the effects are very obviously computer generated, which takes me out of a movie pretty quickly. The story plods at a slow pace, forcing me to succumb to my iPhone’s “come hither” stare to play Clash of Clans rather than pay attention to the nothing happening on screen.

It’s a pretty disappointing start to my October horror film marathon, but what are you gonna do! Them’s the breaks when you let Netflix decide what to watch next!

This movie gets 2 out of 4 Jewish demon boxes.